Andy Watches Warcraft

Good morning Loyal Mockers and welcome to a minute-by-minute movie blog featuring the summer disappointment Warcraft! I’ve never played the popular computer game but I do like ‘Lord of the Rings’ knockoffs…

NETFLIX DESCRIPTION: The best-selling video-game franchise comes to life in this epic adventure that pits humans against orcs as warriors from the dying planet of Draenor attempt to take over the human-controlled world of Azeroth. –I don’t understand how the Tolkien estate hasn’t taken WoW to the cleaners over the use of ‘orc’…(Editor’s Note: After a discussion with my co-host it was mentioned that ‘orc’ is a generic term used in many role-playing games (including D&D)…I guess I now don’t understand how the Tolkien estate hasn’t taken all fantasy games to the cleaners over the use of ‘orc’…)

2:00…Voiceover states that orcs and humans have been at war for years but no one can remember why…happens like that all the time in these fantasy epics…of course, there is also a mysterious power or something like that…

6:00…We get the walrus-toothed orc perspective to begin and some nice bedroom banter between lead Orc Durotan and his pregnant wife…

10:00…Orcs homeworld is crumbling thanks to some magic so they are preparing to invade a new world using a conjured wormhole type device…once there, Durotan’s son is born thanks to the head Orc using the life force of a nearby deer (happens every day)…

11:00…Human perspective and we travel quickly from Ironforge to Stormwind to Taintvale…

14:00…Young mage who dropped out of school has quickly figured out that it’s ‘fel’ magic that is attacking the kingdom’s outer garrisons and it’s determined that The Guardian must be contacted!

16:00…Durotan unhappy that his fellow orcs are pillaging helpless humans

19:00…Human hero Lothar (of the hill people) and Young Mage ride a giant bird to see The Guardian, who turns out to be a hippie sculptor…

22:00…Guardian agrees to help and is ushered into a room that looks like the computer game store…

24:00…We finally have our first Orc/human battle and thanks to The Guardian reverse engineering the ‘fel’ magic the victory easily goes to the humans…

30:00…Humans are able to capture a female orc, who looks like Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy, as if this movie needs to rip off any more franchises…she quickly spills the beans as to why the orcs are on their world and even tells them about human captors who are needed to keep the magic wormhole open…why the fuck would she do this and how was she able to learn the human’s language so fast?

39:00…Durotan comes to the realization that he must defeat the Head Orc, whose use of the ‘fel’ will destroy whatever world he comes to roost on…the decision is made for him and his Kevin James-esque buddy to partner with the humans!!

41:00…Humans and Gamora are traveling on a trail and no doubt following the footprints of Frodo and Sam…Young Mage attempts some character building around the campfire…

47:00…The Lords of Taintvale have called upon all races of Azeroth (including elves and dwarves) and not surprisingly no one wants to help out…Again, how have the Tolkien’s allowed this game to exist?

51:00…This Guardian character is all over the place, think he might be in league with the ‘fel’…yep, Young Mage quickly figures out that the wormhole needs someone on the other side to open it up…can’t fucking trust hippie magicians…

53:00…Rendezvous going on between Durotan and the humans but The Guardian snuffs it out and sends in a team of orcs to bust it up…

1:01:00…Clunky battle scene ends with Lothar seeing his son get killed by an angry orc…not even Lothar’s piercing blue eyes could cut thru The Guardian’s force field…

1:04:00…I guess Durotan is giving himself up to Head Orc in exchange for the safety of his clan…c’mon, no way is Head Orc going to live up to his end of the bargain!

1:07:00…Ok, I didn’t understand that scene between Gomora and The Guardian…maybe this guy isn’t helping the orcs after all…this is like a Chris Nolan movie…

1:12:00…Young Mage heads up to Bespin to warn his old teachers about how The Guardian is being manipulated by the dread ‘fel’ magic…this Young Mage is a real sap…

1:16:00…Ok, so Guardian dude has figured out that the ‘fel’ has been fucking with his mind and has been trying to turn it around since the earlier Gomora scene…whoops, ‘fel’ wins as Guardian sucks the life force from his trusted tower buddy…

1:20:00…Lothar breaks down during a council session and now FelGuardian has the ear of the King…not looking good for the humans at this point as they plot a foolish seige upon the Orc horde…movie is coming apart at the seams a bit, story just not coming together…

1:26:00…Oh no, Durotan’s mate is killed but before floating the baby down a river, Moses style…

1:28:00…Durotan challenges Head Orc to a Battle Royale and it doesn’t go well for him…looks like he dies thanks to the Head Orc’s blatant use of ‘fel’, which pisses of the rest of the orcs for a bit but they can’t handle the true power of this intergalactic magic…seems like Durotan died for nothing, which is shitty…

1:36:00…Meanwhile at Castle Magic it’s an epic battle between FelGuardian and Young Mage and this little pansy somehow defeats the grizzled and twisted Guardian…

1:42:00…Chintzy looking orc/human battle rages on…

1:45:00…Ok, Gomora kills Kill Beardly I guess because he didn’t want to get the shit kicked out of him by the gigantic fel mutant orc but whatever at this point…

1:48:00…We are back to the first scene in the movie during which Durotan’s voiceover said he didn’t know how long humans and orcs have been fighting…well, about two hours buddy…

1:50:00…Lothar easily dispatched gigantic fel mutant orc and rides off on his big bird…Gomora looks up lovingly at him but don’t think there will be a sequel for her to explain why she knifed King Beardly…

1:55:00…Durotan’s kid is found by a human that makes the poor boy squeal with fright!! Too bad there probably won’t be a sequel to find out who made him squeal…

FINAL VERDICT: Aimless plotting, boring characters, mediocre battle scenes…and yet, the movie did just enough to keep me interested…I’ll give it two mutant orcs out of four mutant orcs! Thanks for reading and check out Episode Five of The Mockers Podcast for a look at Eric’s solo trip to the theater to check out Warcraft!

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *