Andy Listens to Motley Crue’s ‘Theatre of Pain’

Good morning Loyal Mockers and welcome to the first Shea the Beagle Dog Walk Album Review I am contributing to the Meet the Mockers website. I like my beagle and I like music and sometimes I combine the two and write about it. Combining today’s walk with my weekly homework assignment from our spectacular podcast, which I am sure you are going to listen to as soon as you finish reading this.

MOCKUMENDATION ASSIGNMENT: Motley Crüe’s 1985 album ‘Theatre of Pain’…can’t figure out how to make the umlaut over the ‘o’ in Motley..I have the alt-key blues, a distant cousin to the city boy blues…

WHAT WIKIPEDIA LEARNED ME: Released exactly 31 years ago this week right after Vince Neil killed the Hanoi Rocks drummer while driving drunk…only Motley Crüe album without a title track…

DISTANCE COVERED: 1.8 miles

SQUIRRELS CHASED: 2 plus an old woman who was out watering her flowers

1) City Boy Blues…Ah, the distinctive guitar masterings of Mick Mars…someday humanity will rise up and break free from the shackles of the city boy blues…

2) Fight for Your Rights…Unfortunately not a Beastie Boys cover…this album could use a re-mastering as the current production is bludgeoning and does Vince Neil’s vocals no favors…

3) Home Sweet Home…My 8th grade music teacher Dr. Theodore Gregory used this song as an example when discussing melody…I think he thought he was auditioning for a Mr. Holland’s Opus type of movie role where the old ass teacher inspires students with his hip, current knowledge…this version seems faster than the one I am familiar with…

4) Keep Your Eye on the Money…Sounds like a voluptuous vixen might have taken some of Vince’s money if the lyrics to this workmanlike track are to be taken literally…

5) Louder Than Hell…My last musical assignment was KISS Creatures of the Night and I thought they had a song on that album called “I Like It Loud” but it turned out to be “I Love It Loud”…I betcha it was that anecdote that made my podcast partner select this album at the last minute during our last recording as Vince repeatedly states that he only likes it loud during this offering…but is liking it louder than hell greater than just loving it loud?

6) Raise Your Hands to Rock…Constantly raising your hands to rock can get tiring, I wish we had developed a lazier way to convey excitement and appreciation…

7) Save Our Souls…Big thumbs up to this sludgy rocker…”Save our souls for the promised land”…

8) Smokin’ In the Boys Room…Definitely feel some nostalgia when I hear this track and I hearken back to my days at C.R. Weeks Elementary School in West Windsor, New York. I was on the student council and a judge for the annual talent show. A group of goober third graders auditioned by lip synching to this song, poor effort with zero charisma so they didn’t make the final production…

9) Tonight (We Need a Lover)…It’s getting late in the album and Vince is still looking for someone to spend the night with…specifically someone with honey dripping from her pot…

10) Use It or Lose It…Is there another Crüe song that uses this same music but has different lyrics?

FINAL VERDICT: I can’t put this on the same level as the past Mockumendations of KISS and Lita Ford but it still had its share of guilty pleasures…three honey pots out of five honey pots.

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