Andy Finally Watched ‘The Witch’!

–Hello, Loyal Mockers! Time to for a blow-by-blow account of horror period piece, The Witch. A movie which has caused controversy through two different podcasts. Listen to the latest Mockers Podcast to hear Eric and I talk about Black Phillip and crew.

PREVIEWS: James Franco and Ed Harris were in a movie called ‘The Adderall Diaries’? What the fuck?…Kevin Smith’s ‘Tusk’, has anyone actually seen this depravity?…’Ex Machina’, really need to see that one…

THE WITCH, A NEW ENGLAND FOLK TAKE

1:00: Pilot episode of ‘Puritan Justice’ sees a family kickedout of the commonwealth

2:00: Little kid is wearing what looks like a contemporary winter knit cap…didn’t realize they dated back that far

4:00:  A Shining callback as we get some nice scenery shots, slow zooms and a high ball music score…

6:00: Extended game of peek-a-boo goes awry as the little baby disappears…

8:00…Ok, that scene was fucking weird and would have would have surely made my Pretty Lady tell me that she has had enough…

13:00…Confirmation from marble mouth dad that the baby actually did go missing during the peek-a-boo game and now they have to go in the haunted forest to hunt for food because their crops are crap (at least I think that is what he said, I better put captions on or I won’t know what the fuck is actually going on)

16:00…Is Marble Mouth Father actually The Cowboy from ‘Preacher’?

17:00…Interesting that this movie appears to be using actual Puritan English which definitely makes it harder to follow…Marble Mouth Father fails miserably trying to shoot a bunny rabbit…

18:00…Black Phillip makes his first appearance while being chased by the Fatsy Twins…this movie has been out too long for me not to know that this goat is up to no good…

19:00…That was really creepy how the oldest daughter took Marble Mouth Father’s shirt off after he fell putting Black Phillip back in his pen…

23:00…And now Caleb the little brother is looking at the oldest daughter’s cleavage?? What the fuck is going on with this movie?

26:00…Someone probably really likes this movie and is naming their daughter Thomasin…

30:00…What is that damn bunny rabbit doing in Black Phillip’s pen? Is this just a remake of ‘Animal Farm’?

32:00…Intense bedtime conversation reverberates throughout the entire hovel and the parents make the decision to give Thomasin up to some plantation folks in exchange for food or money…

37:00…Chalk up two more missing children as Thomasin and Caleb are quickly separated on their quest for treasure by that damn rabbit…

39:00…Looks like Fowler the dog is a goner, now the family can really have him for meat!

41:00…Thomasin is found, but the little brother seems to have stumbled upon the witches lair and she knows what he likes…cleavage, and a lot of it!

44:00…Predictable family breakdown as another child is lost, plus the added stress of Marble Mouth confessing to stealing Katherine’s father’s cup (wonder what the value of that thing would have been on Puritan Roadshow?)

46:00…Naked Little Brother is found writhing on Black Phillip’s pen! Looks like the witch gave him a good rodgering and sent him on his way…

48:00…Marble Mouth loves to chop wood in the rain when times are tough as Little Brother appears to be in a cleavage induced coma…

49:00…Thomasin squeezes out some blood from a goat, leading to twin speculation that she is actually a witch…thinking the movie is mis-directing here…

52:00…More fucking Puritan Relationship Talk as Katherine admits to being a fucking shrew of a wife

55:00…Little Brother pukes up an apple which leads to an intense family prayer session marred by the fact that the little twins appear possessed and Little Brother dies…nice, intense scene…

1:02:00…Marble Mouth and Thomasin have it out now (this is like a long episode of Maury!)….

1:04:00…Thomasin tries to flip the house and blame the twins and Black Phillip for the bewitching!

1:07:00…Marble Mouth locks all three of his kids up with Black Phillip as he can’t decide who to believe at this point…

1:09:00…More Marble Mouth wood chopping leads to an emotional stump confessional and plea for mercy upon his children…

1:13:00…Another confusingly dark scene ends with a crow breast feeding upon Katherine and the witch and/or Thomasin suckling on a the goat’s teet? Kinda creepy but getting tired of not knowing what is going on…

1:15:00…Wow, Black Phillip just gourded the fuck out of Marble Mouth…and a second time right into his huge pile of wood, ok then…

1:18:00…And the kill count continues to rise as Thomasin takes out the mom thanks to a conveniently placed hacksaw type of weapon…happy to see that blubbering mess of a woman get put out of her misery…

1:24:00…Ok, so the whole point of this movie was just to get Thomasin to become the witch? The last scene is her making a deal with Black Phillip (talkingoat), who makes her undress and follow him into the woods where they come upon a whole coven chanting Wicker Man-esque chantings around a huge fire…levitation ensues and the movie is over…

FINAL VERDICT: I am really surprised that this did so well at the box office considering it’s slow and somewhat confusing…atmospherics are solid but can’t recommend this….thanks for reading and keep on mockin’!

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